The Dominant Partner - Taking Control
It’s been touched on before in other blogs on Knotty Desires and attention must be paid to learning about becoming a Dom or a Domme. It is important for all involved to understand the meanings, boundaries, responsibilities, and expectations in any dynamic. BDSM is always about communication, trust, and respect.
Dom/Sub Dynamic and Power Play
Engaging in a relationship where the aforementioned are not the top priority is not a BDSM dynamic -- nor is it a safe situation. In the middle of agreed-upon dirty talk, spanking, being tied up (or tied down) with some knotty bondage, hair pulling, and other kinky fetishes--how do you find the line between a stellar Dom and someone that is not worthy of submission?
What is a Dominant?
A Dom is a male Dominant and a Domme is a female Dominant. A dominant has the job of tending to the needs of their Submissive (or Sub). While BDSM punishments can appear to be belittling the needs of the Sub, that could not be further from the truth. A Dominant sets boundaries with the permission of their Submissive.
While the Sub’s responsibility is to bring their Dom sexual pleasure, it is the responsibility of the Dom to communicate, understand and respect the boundaries of their Sub. Subs willingly give their submission and agree to be dominated when they can trust their Dom. Breaking the trust of a Sub can destroy a dynamic and break up a relationship.
How Do Dom/mes Earn the Trust of Their Submissives?
To engage in a successful D/S dynamic there is a vetting period. During this time, a Dom and Sub work out the details of their relationship. They get to know each other personally and learn about sexual desires. Before entering into a relationship, a Submissive will give the prospective Dom details about what they are willing to do and what they are not willing to do. Based on the desires and restrictions set by the couple with the Submissive's permission, they enter into an agreement about their relationship.
Respecting Limits and Rules
Many D/S relationships are solidified with contracts stating what they will and will not engage in. Whether or not there is a contract, the Dom must respect the Sub’s wishes and stay within the boundaries that are set as dos and don'ts of what they want to try.
The Don'ts of Dom’s: How to Spot a Fake Dom
A Dom does not ignore a Sub when they have reached their limits or engage in any activity that is not approved by the Sub. Dominates should never force anything. A good Dom will never force a Sub to endure or participate in an activity that they do not agree with. Any “Dom” that engages in these activities is considered by the community to be a fake Dom and a bad Dom. Beware of the fake Dom. They are not trained in the lifestyle and a Sub should never feel unsafe in their Dom’s care.
So Then, What Should a Dom Do?
It is the direct responsibility of the Dom to tend to the intimate emotional needs of their Sub. This is why planning aftercare is so crucial in any BDSM relationship. Opening oneself up to the intense feelings that happen when coming down from a scene is important to supporting each other emotionally. The physical limitations of the Sub should always be respected and when the safe word is used, all activity should stop immediately. While the Dom’s pleasure should be the priority for their Sub, it is the responsibility of the Dom to provide emotional and sexual comfort for their Sub while taking them to their limits while respecting their boundaries.
Mentorship & Community
It is always a respectable thing to see beginner's asking questions and newbies reaching out for support, direction, and a willingness to learn. When new to the lifestyle, there is much to discover to create a safe and healthy relationship. A Dom that is ready, willing, and able to ask questions and do things right is a Dom that will provide the satiation of the needs of his Sub. Learning is important. Talking to more experienced Dom’s is a great way to learn the ways of the lifestyle and pick up some helpful tips along the way.
BDSM is about opening your mind, and a Dom can’t go in close-minded with the idea of being in control in an unhealthy way. Reach out to others and find mentors to learn and grow to avoid becoming a fake or bad Dom.
Kink Specific Mentors
Submission, inflicting pain, and domination should always be talked about with an experienced Dom. If the kink that interests the dynamic the most is rope bondage, a couple would benefit from finding someone in the lifestyle willing to teach beginners what they already know. All things BDSM take practice and there is a lot to learn--down to the knots in bondage. Training with a more experienced Dom or rope master will ensure that your kinky pleasure is fun and safe.
When to Move On
Like any relationship, if your desires and the desires of the Sub do not match up, there are other fish in the sea. Finding the right dynamic can take some time, but there is someone out there that can perfectly fit your kink and desires. Don’t force something that just isn’t meant to be.
Pro tips: If it’s not wanted -- it’s not welcome!
Never act without consent. Just like any relationship--BDSM or vanilla--consent is required for all sexual acts. Explore desires and the world of bondage and discipline together. Do it safely and make sure it is always consensual.